The place where I bitch about life.

crash_star @ 2005-09-01T20:41:00

2005-09-02T00:43:07Z

What's the time/date now? 8:10pm 8/01/05
What is your name? Dan
Gender: Male
Gay/Straight/Bi? Straight
Single? Want to be? No and no
Your age: 24
Age you act: Depends on my mood.
Age you wish you were: 65 (Retirement! Woo!)
Your height: 6'2"
Eye color: Brown
Hair color: Brown
Left/right/ambidextrous? Right
Your living arrangement? Rents
Piercings/Tattoos? Left ear, had a tounge ring till it got infected and I died.
Do you speak another language? Pig Latin
Favorite Quote? "If you love someone, set them free; If they come home, set them on fire. -George Carlin"

Part 2:
Do you have any secrets? Yes
Do you hate yourself? Sometimes
Do you have any bad habits? Lazy, annoying sometimes, And the bad habit of getting my foot stuck in my mouth.
What is the compliment you get most from people? Dunno
If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called? I would like to say, "Fast and the Furious", But its probably more like, "Oh, Fuck, I'm sliding into a guardrail"
What's your biggest fear? Snakes, Lonliness, and hurting others.
Are you a loner? Yes
Are you a daredevil? ...sometimes. However, Skill isn't necessarialy daring, is it?
How do you vent? Rant.
What do you like the most about your body? Nothing really.
Do you think you are good looking? Personally, not really.
Are you confident? Depends on the topic
Do people know how you feel? I try not to be cryptic. But, I hold anger and frustration inside. So.. who knows?

Part 3:
Have you ever..
Hurt yourself? On purpose, no.
Been out of the country? Yes. Go Canada!
Eaten something that made other people sick? Yes. I have a strong stomache.
Had sex? Yes
Been unfaithful? Kinda? Long story
Been in love? Yes
Done drugs? Yes
Had a medical emergency? Stitches count?
Had a surgery? Yes. Eyes and Wisdom teeth.
Ran away from home? No
Played strip poker? Yes
Gotten beaten up? No
Beaten someone up? I guess. I hold frustration inside. So, the two fights I remember, I kinda blacked out. One: I remember walking away after slamming the guys head against the wall a few times. The second: I was ambushed by an asshole, beat the snot out of him, then went home crying. o.O
Been picked on? Yea
Been on stage? Gradeschool plays
Slept outdoors? Yes
Thought about suicide? Yes. Lead me to a firm belief against suicide, now.
Pulled an all- nighter? Yup
Gone one day without food? Gone a week without food when my wife left me.
Talked on the phone all night? Yes
Slept together with the opposite sex without actually having sex? Yes
Slept all day? Yes
Made out with a stranger? No
Had sex with a stranger? Hell no.
Thought you're going crazy? Sotra
Done anything sexual with the same sex? No Comment
Been betrayed? Yes
Had a dream that came true? Yes
Broken the law? Yes
Met a famous person? Not that I recall
Have you ever killed an animal by accident? Yep
On purpose? If birds count, yes.
Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell? I don't think so.
Stolen anything? Yes
Been on radio/tv? Not that I'm aware of.
Been in a mosh-pit? No
Had a nervous breakdown? No
Bungee jumped? No

Part 4:
Beliefs..
Life on other planets? Yes
Miracles? People make their own fate. Every now and then something really good happens. That can be called a miracle.
Astrology? Yes
Magic? Don't know.
God? No
Angels? No
Afterlife? I hope, but do not believe.
Santa? No
Ghosts? Maybe
Luck? No
Love? Yes
Love at first sight? Don't know
Witches? Thats a toughie. Most the fucktards that say they're witches are a bunch of morons that watch too much of "The Craft"
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever? Yes

Part 5:
Friends and stuff..
Who's the one person that knows most about you? I should hope it is Pearl.
What's the best advice that anyone has ever given to you? Don't worry too much about life. It'll end up killing you. (Got it from a movie. That counts, right?)
Thing you're picked on most about? Having a.. unique sense of humor.
Last person you talked to online? Pearl
Last time you were sarcastic? Work today.
Kissed someone? December 28, 2004.
Talked to an ex? At the divorce hearing.
Watched your fave movie? I don't really have a favorite.
Had a nightmare? Don't remember. I don't remember dreaming.
Talked on the phone? Today
Listened to the radio? Today
Watched TV? I glanced at the news today.
Went out? Yesterday. To help a buddy with his car.
Helped someone? Today
Were mean? Today
Sang? Today
Saw a movie? Last Weekend
Missed someone? Every monent of every day.
Fought with a family member? Don't remember.
Fought with a friend? While back I 'threw' Ryan. o.O
Had a serious conversation? I try not to take life too seriously. But, I probably have had one recently.
Smoked weed? Couple years agoish?
Got drunk? Never
Last book you read: I don't read anymore. But a million years ago in Middle School, I read most the Goosebumps books by R L Stine
Last movie you saw: Bourne Supremecy. (Still in my car, 3 weeks late) >.<
Last song you heard: Primus - My Name is Mud
Last thing you had to drink: Sweet Tea
Last time you showered: Yesterday.. and, as soon as I finish this.
Last thing you ate: Mac and Cheese with hotdogs cut up in it.
Last CD you bought: Weird Al Yankovic - Poodle Hat
Last thing you bought: Gas at fucking $3.09 a gallon

Part 7:
Right now..
Are you going to have sex? Nope
Will it be with your significant other? I said no!
Or some random person? God damn it! I said no! >.<
What are you wearing right now? Work shirt and pants.
Body-part you're touching right now: Keyboard :P
What are you worried about right now? Nothing
What book are you reading? I don't read
What's on your mousepad? ...A mouse. Blank green mousepad
Use 5 words to describe how you're feeling: Tired, dirty, bored, frustrated, love.
Are you bored? ....I just said that.
Are you tired? And that!
Are you talking to anyone online? Yes
Are you talking to anyone on the phone? No
Are you lonely or content? Both
Are you listening to music? No
Do you expect to get this back? ..I'm not emailing it.
What time is it right now? 8:40

Happy, for once!

2005-08-25T01:54:33Z

Looks like I have a new job starting.. now!
I get to be a cheerleader! :D

My poor kitty started classes recently, and I have to comfort her through all the "fun" times. ^.^ I remember those days.. And, like the lazy unresponsible student I was.. I ignored the stress and did next to nothing. How did I ever float my way through High School?

Anywho. I sit here awaiting her return, ready to cheer her on some more!
Ya know.. Life seems very.. meaningful when you put your own worries and annoyances aside and help someone else. ^.^ I could be sleeping right now, so I would wake up refreshed and energetic tomorrow. But whats the fun in that? Leave the one that needs me so I can get a good nights rest? Hah! I'd stay by my kittens side all night if she wanted me to. ^.^ You only live once.. And, some people never love at all. I have something good, something pure.. Fuck everything else. ^.^

So yea. Its amazing what all I type when I... sit here typing. Thoughts, ideas, frustrations all coming out of my fingers. You wouldn't know it, But, These posts tend to be much, much MUCH longer.. But I always go through and delete out all the boring crap I feel noone would care to see anyways. Then again, there is like.. 2? 3? people that actually read this thing.. So, Why delete at all? I wonder if this very line will even stay?! If it does, hah! My secrets out! I've been HIDING a bunch of CRAP from you all! Tee hee hee.
Maybe I won't delete it. It would be funny just leaving every random thought I jot down on this thing. Maybe it would even be interesting. Probably not. I don't really view myself as an interesting person, but, I also don't have a very high view of myself. So I could be interesting as hell and not even know it!

Today I installed my speakers in my car. Little Dual Audio 6.5" 2-Way speakers to replace the 20 year old ones in my '85 RX7. They sound good. Now I just need to build a box and get some subs. Have a little rumbly in my tumbly.

Woot. Putting speakers in my car was the highlight of my day. I am so boring.

My mind suddenly draws a blank, so I close this now without deleting a single line!
I should warn you in advance, but that involves scrolling up! >.<

Good night!

I am fucking old.

2005-08-07T21:16:14Z

Everyone in their lifetime comes to the realization eventually that they are growing old.
Its when your body slows down, you gain weight easier, everything changes.
You realize you are not going to be young forever.

I have made it to this point.

For the first time in my life, I have had to use Preparation H.

Its the end of the world as I know it.

Its all downhill from here. :P

Now it is a constant battle with death!

Come on, Death, I can take you! I'll squeeze a few more years out of you. Buahaha.

Bad day... I think? O.o

2005-08-02T02:00:59Z

For the past two fridays, I've seen two wrecks.

First Friday: Crossing a highway, I have the green. I go, Across 2 lanes, median, getting thru the next lane, and notice a dumptruck, not stopping, running the red light. I slam my brakes, missing it by mere feet, while it plows into a box truck. Driver said brakes went out. Fun stuff >.<
So there went a good 45 minutes of my day waiting to make a statement to the cops. (Never leave the scene of an accident.)

Second Friday: Almost the exact same time as last Friday. Driving down a road. Hear squealing tires, see smoke, hear a bang, see a TIRE flying at my car. I dodge it, Pull over into a body shop. (Heh heh, Wreck in front of a body shop. Ironic?) One truck rear ended another truck. The driver not paying attention. I wait a good half hour for the cop to say I can go, not needing to write a statement.

Now, On to today. All the events today were interesting. And funny. And creepy!
Wake up.
I have 2 things to do, E-Check my RX7, and pick up money at Wal Mart.
My buddy has to goto AutoZone and get some parts.
So he comes over, We head out in the RX7.
At Echeck, RX7 sputters and dies. Fuck.
Glancing over it, looks like its out of gas... After 20 miles of driving. I hope its not a gas leak THAT bad.
We replace fuel filter (We have extras. Fuel problems before)
Not a drop comes out of the feed line. Fuck.
It must be empty, right?
There must be a leak.
We walk about a mile to the gas station, in the sun.
I hate sun.
A guy picks us up there and I buy shakes for all.
The peasants rejoyce!

We put a gallon of gas in RX7.
Still not a drop of fuel.
Fuck.
No leak, Pickup tube must be blocked.
Get ride home.
Decide to blow out fuel lines with air compressor.
Dads not home yet with truck.

Take Buddys Eclipse to Wal Mart and AutoZone.
Come home.
Dad gets home, sick as a dog.

I load up probe with compressor instead.
Goto E-check station where RX7 is.
Coming up is the funny part, so pay attention:
Blowing out the fuel lines with ~100psi sends gas out the fill tube, that I am under, soaking my fucking shirt and pants with gas.
Gas burns when touching skin. It sucks.
I take my shirt off, showing off my sexy fatass body.
We give up on RX7 for now.

In the Probe, Pants are burning my skin. (Just the upper part is wet with gas.)
So, I loosen my belt, unbutton and zip down my pants, and take a towel in the back of my car, slipping it between my wet boxers and skin.
Less burnage, woot.

Driving home.
Whatta ya know. ANOTHER ACCIDENT.
In front of me, an Escort rear ends a SUV, and knock SUV into a truck.
Buddy said my exact expression was something like, "Sigh. Pull over."

Now. I call 911.
Talking to 911... Pants still unzipped and unbuttoned, while the girl who caused the accident is asking my buddy if he has a phone. My pants are FUCKING OPEN. The logical explanation for an onlooker. I must have been getting head. :P People must now think I'm gay. Haha.

Anywho. Thats the funny part.
I zip up and button up and get out, and wait a fucking hour for a state highway patrol guy to get his ass there, and I fill out a statement and go home.

Then I eat, and the peasants rejoyce.

The end.

My heart is with you

2005-06-24T12:45:53Z

Here I sit, After being stressed out for like 2 weeks, a bit scared. I have never been in surgery before. It is freaky. I don't know what to expect. I'm gonna be drugged up and in pain. All this running through my mind for weeks, and here it is today. Less than 3 hours from now. So nervous.

And, all I can think about is my love, alone amongst her family. Her Grandmother died and I can not be there with her to hold her for comfort. My heart is with her, but my body is not. I wish I could be her shoulder to cry on.

I thank her. Her loss has put aside my worry. I just want to get the surgery over with and be able to comfort her in what little ways I can. Fuck my worry. I am here for my love. :)

Die!

2005-06-06T02:00:11Z

Man, I've been on such a short fuse lately.
I suppose I'm just sick of being the "nice guy" all the damn time.
What is the point of letting people walk all over you, just so you can have the image of the nice guy?
I've been in a real "Fuck You All" additude lately.. And frankly, I think I like it.
None of this holding back whats on my mind.
None of this keeping my views to my self.
Just.. "Fuck off and die."

But yea. I guess I should have seen it coming. I've been nice to everybody for my whole life. Hell, Even when my wife left me for another man, using everything her retarded mind could come up with as an excuse as to why I am shit and she is god, I still smiled and let her go without a fight. Why? Whats the point? I wanted it to be easier on her? Fuck her! I should have kicked her ass on the street, kept -my- car in -my- name.. Should have kicked her in the fucking face when she came crawling back. Fuck Mr. Nice guy. Mr. Nice gets walked all over.

I think from this point on, I'm gonna show myself. I'm not gonna hold back the.. "improper" thing to say. I'm just going to be myself. If people don't like it, does it matter? No. Nothing I do will matter years from now. Acting nice all the time will only end up in me more and more pissed off in the long run. And for what? So I can come home and take my frustrations out on those I love? Those I actually give a flying fuck about? Nope. No more of that shit.

Welcome to the new Dan. Now, Fuck off and die.

Update on a Car Wreck

2005-03-22T01:48:03Z

Was kinda funny:

Me: "I'm really gonna miss this car."
Tow Truck Guy: "You think they're gonna total it?"
Me: "I dunno, Come look at this." <- He was looking at the bumper and messed up headlight.
Guy: Walks around to see the driver side.. "Woah... yea.. Okay. They might total that."

Tee hee.

Anywho, I got a kick out of that.

My Fiero.
Got it running.
It broke down test driving it.

Fucking -yay-.

Thank goodness for Ryan offering to buy me an engine on ebay for a hundred bucks tomorrow. I owe him many blowjobs. My mouth shall be sore. (Kidding :P )

Anywho. I'll keep you posted.
I'm sure the anger and frustration will be very present throughout the next few weeks.

Toodles.
~Crash/Dan

Car Wreck

2005-03-21T02:06:46Z

I view myself as an awesome driver.

I live on a curvy ass road, and have(had) a Suzuki 2004 Forenza. Nice economy car, A little quick.
Now, Living on a curvy ass, dangerous road makes one a better driver.. in my opinion. In every car I've owned, I could drive my road easily. Where everyone goes 20mph around, I can easily drive the speed limit, 40. Or faster if I feel like having fun.
But anyways, curvy roads teach you a lot about handling a car. Where the weight goes, shifts, how it reacts to things.

Since I've owned this car, I've avoided countless accidents. Two of the most recent: A probe spinning out of control, into my lane, and me easily dodging him. And a van trying to take off, spinning their tires cause it was wet, and me easily slowing down just enough to miss them. Those are two example in which a wreck would not have been my fault. Not to mention countless Deer dodgings. Those are always creepy.

Its become a joke, "Damn it! If I would have hit them, My car would be paid off, And I'd have awesome credit!" It was all just a joke.. mostly. Not having to pay for a car when you're -broke- is always nice.

But... Whatta ya know. I -wreck- on my -own- road and it is -all- my fault.
And I wasn't even going fast.

I've run the fucking situation through my head a hundred times.
Here I am, driving rather slow, Cause I have a 16 year old buddy in the passenger seat. We're heading to get Mountian Dew. I go around a bit of a sharp turn... But not really all that sharp. Somehow, the rear wheels loose grip, And I end up sliding sideways into a guard rail. Destroying my driver side.. Another car bumping my front bumper (No damage but a scratch to her bumper)

Okay, Anyone would say, "Driving too fast and slid off the road."
That would be fine and dandy. But in my mind, I wonder what the FUCK happened that was any different than driving that SAME fucking road EVERY day of my life.

I could have been going fast.. Maybe 50? But I've taken that curve 60 before and just barely slid left of center. Thats control, baby. But I had a fucking passenger, I was driving SLOW. I KNOW I wasn't speeding.. If I were, I'd be in a LOT more pain than a stiff neck. It only takes roughly 35mpg to snap your neck. (Interesting statistic)

So speeds not an issue.

Next idea, Brakes?
I'm not a moron here.. I know if you slam your breaks, you're sliding.. And I rarely EVER use breaks anyway on my road. I downshift to slow down. But there, I didn't switch gears, didn't hit breaks.. Just took it like normal.. Turn a little hard, hit the gas after the turn and all is good.

Next option: Wet?
This is exacty what it felt like. Like the road was wet and I slid. But, It was dry?
Maybe I had mud on my tires or something.. Its hard to tell when I ran through mud to get to the guard rail... heh heh.

But, Thinking of it... When I pulled out of my drive way.. Maybe I got water, or mud on the wheels and the car just decided to start to slide, I got scared, tried to pull out of it, and ended up kissing a guard rail. Likely.

Final option: Mechanical Failure
This one, I'm not sure of, and is difficult to prove. After much debate with friends, It is very likely my ABS locked the back wheels and sent me into a slide. Who knows?

All in all, I fucked up. I try to tell myself that I was driving normally, nothing bad should have happened. But it -did-. Makes me feel like a fucking moron.. I never EVER wrecked on my own road before. It was doomed to happen I suppose. Great feeling inside.. wondering how the hell it really happened.. And feeling like a jackass.. And no longer having a nice brand new car.

I'll never drink Mountian Dew again.

Indifferent

2005-03-13T06:47:15Z

I haven't written in this for a while..

For all you who actually still read this, I am finally getting my divorce taken care of. Woot. Thousand dollars that I could have used in other places if my wife weren't a retarted bitch. How hard is it to contact someone and sign some papers? Sheesh. I hope the slut dies a slow, painful death and burns in hell. In fact, I should open a life insurance policy on her, Just in case she does die before the divorce is over. That'd be sweet. Hundred grand in my pocket, cause she's my wife. :) Maybe that would make the pain she caused me worth it. But, On second thought, No ammount of material goods could make up for the emotional damage the succubus left behind. She will always be that thorn in my side that leads to distrust... no matter how hard I wish I could get over it. I'm just glad, now, I have someone with a pure heart to show me how love is supposed to be. Thank you for helping to heal me.

Believe it or not, I didn't mean to type all that. I just wanted to type something to let people I never see know that I am still alive. Then my fingers let the emotion out. This is a nice place to share thoughts.

But anyways. I think I'll sleep. I'm fucking wide awake, But don't feel like doing anything. Stuff on my mind. Always on my mind. I wish I could fucking sleep during the week. Maybe one day, I'll feel like I did years and years ago. Carefree.. Happy.. None of this stress weighing on my mind, and heart. I really do wonder where I'd be right now if I didn't have hope to go on. If I didn't have a reason to wake up every day. I wish life had a reference manual. A guide. "Do this, this and this, and you will succeed. You will find happiness." Maybe then, I would have made better choices, and not learned the hard way what is right and wrong. But hey, I guess that makes me wise. Maybe I should share my knowledge with people. But then again, I am still so young. The knowledge I have now could be worthless 10.. 20 years from now. Who knows. Everyone is growing. Life is what you make it.

By the way, If none of this makes sense, Ignore it. This is just my fingers talking.

I'm going to sleep now before all I have left is random words coming from my fingers.
I'll leave the thoughts inside to keep me up at night.

Good night, Painful, beautiful world.
~Dan/Crash

Update on a turd

2004-11-12T00:20:43Z

Yea. So, I won't go into details. But lets just say the plumbings all cleared out now.

God, My ass fucking hurts. -.-

Back to a normal "schedule".. Woot!

Heh..

2004-11-06T00:03:53Z

Me: Dude. I'm so glad no one else was in the bathroom. Cause I was grunting, face all red, sweating. Making noise, rocking back and fourth.

Ryan: Wow, there's an image..

Me: Sitting in your stall trying to do your business while the Poltergeist is happening in the next stall over?

Weird.

2004-09-15T04:01:44Z

For such a long time, I've had such terrible views of women. Evil cheating hoes. Moneyhungry bitches. You know, The typical angsty attitude of a man with a broken heart.

But god damn. How is it you can have a horrible day. One of those days where you just don't want to wake up ever again. And they can make you forget all that in an instant. With a few words. With a look. With a smile.

Why must woman-kind be such a freaky mix of good and evil. I swear its like Star Wars or something.

Anywho. This is just whats running through my mind as I crave the sweet, sweet taste of a yummy cigar. I haven't been counting, But I think its been somewhere around 10 months since I've smoked. Hurrah me.

As a side note. This journal thing rocks.
Any frustration, anger, angst, annoyance I seem to have seems lifted once I type it out for the world to see. Freaky if you ask me. Is this how it works for others? I never read them. I'm afraid I'll turn into one of those addicted journal freaks (No offense)

But anyway. Thank you, Journal, for giving me someplace to type out those thoughts I don't want to bother people with.
And thank you, Pearl, for giving me the comfort and care I need every moment of every day.
And thank you, George Bush, For sending people overseas to die. Wait. Nevermind.

G'night. I'mma go cuddle my stuffed kitty. (Its names "Purrecious")

Bleh

2004-08-29T05:12:42Z

Wow. Almost 4 months without a post.

In internet time, That is legally dead?
...or means someone simply changed ID's.

Funny thing, this internet is.

Anywho.
I'm alive, I s'pose.

Does anyone even read this anymore?
I'll have to make a cgi to see.

Yea. Anywho. Time to try to get some fucking sleep.

Finally

2004-05-07T02:24:44Z

Ahhh. Finally in the right mood to write in this damn thing.
As you know, This is the place where I bitch. Where I release.
And due to a special someone, I've not felt negative for a very long time. I've actually been happy. Its a feeling I haven't had in a long long time.

But today.. God today was a stab in the back. See, I've been without a car for a month now. I should have had one 3 weeks ago, But the fucking rebuilt engine I got for it was damaged.. And they're taking their sweet fucking time getting it to me.
So yea, Thats been pissing me off. I have to get a ride every day from an unreliable lazy fuck. I've had like 3 tardys this month? This from me, Who is always 15 minutes early to work every day at -least-. So yea. I'm pissed.
So I decide to buy a car. That way I'll have two! If one breaks, I'll use the other one. Whee..
The FUCKING car broke on my way HOME from PICKING IT THE FUCK UP.
Its sitting at a fucking gas station right now. For some reason, I shift it into gear and it dies. Its like it wants to be a manual all of a sudden or something. So yay. I STILL don't have a fucking car.

So yea. Right now I'm pissed.

But, Overall: It doesn't bother me too much. I'm used to life shitting on me. But this time its different. I feel so fucking pissed, hurt, annoyed and... Who knows what else. But for the first time in my life, There is hope. I am actually hopeful and looking forward to tomorrow. The next day. These little things in life don't really matter. They may annoy you at the time, but in the long run.. Hey.. I have my life right? I have hope.

So I don't want to end this post on a negative note. I simply want to say, "Thank you, Pearl. I love you."

Blow up sheep

2004-05-05T01:15:07Z

Yea.. Talking about blow up sheep today at work. Part of an.... interesting.. conversation. I feel BaaaAAaaAaaa...d. Yea.

Life insurance

2004-03-10T00:47:45Z

If I work until I am 120, I can cash in my life insurance for 17 million dollars.

Wow..

2004-03-06T05:59:58Z

Just calculated approx 10,000 working days until retirement.

Thats IF, of course, I don't die of a heart attack or something at 30.

Rock on life! :D

Yargh.

2004-02-16T00:20:46Z

I remember what passion is.
I forget how it feels.

Mrowl

2004-02-01T07:32:55Z

Things have been very.. weird lately.

Thats about all the information I am willing to type out. Woot.

And as I mainly use this to bitch about stuff.. I guess the lack of posts has meant the lack of things to bitch about. I guess I could bitch about my car? Damn thing finally gave out.. Woo.. There goes my tax return. Yay.

Yea. I'm done typing.
Ciao!
- Crash

Mmm. Pizza

2003-12-30T01:13:09Z

Pizza tastes a whole hell of a lot better when its free.

I love my father

2003-12-28T08:28:42Z

I'm crying today, For the first time in.. over a year. For the first time since my wife told me she loved someone else.
Talking to Jase about my father... Just got to me..
My father is the most amazing man in my eyes. He has been there for the family through everything.. Every day he gets up and goes to work.. He so very rarely misses unless he is too sick to get up.. He is the father that every family should have.. I love him and respect him with everything I can..

Me.. My life hasn't been the greatest since I've been an adult.. I dropped out of college.. Got mixed up in women.. Got myself in debt... And for years I've felt like a failure.. Next to him I felt tiny.. Insignifigant.. I've been trying now.. Really tying for about two years to get my shit straight.. I'm almost debt free now.. I'm single.. Working on the divorce.. Trying to take control of my life.. Trying to "grow up".. and still it is hard to face him...
I finally feel worthy to tell him I love him, At least... As hard as it is.. Every time I visit.. I give him at least one hug and tell him I love him.. You never know when your parents will be gone.. So I try to do this as often as possible..
God.. I just want to be the best man I can be.. I want my father to be proud.. I want him to look at a picture of me, And proudly say, "Thats my boy".. I don't want to feel like some deadbeat son that fucked up his life..

I know he will never read this.. But this is for him.

I love you dad.. I am going to be a great man. I will make you proud. I promice.

Update on life

2003-12-20T21:40:34Z

Still alive.
Still surviving.
Still pointlessly paying the bills. Paying my living fees, aka Tax.
Still wondering why the hell I'm here.

Oh! Yea! I figured out something.. "Funny" the other day! Haha.. Every year I've been single on Christmas! Haha..
Ages:

18: Was single till like right after Xmas.
19: Had broken up with the evil, evil bitch.. And kinda dating the woman who is my wife now, Buuut.. She was all gone and probably fucking other guys.
20: Was still kinda with the woman who is now my wife. But we were seperated again. I think this was about the time that she made excuses about her grandfather dieing and stuff years before, And thats why she was always distant and ended up breaking up with me around christmas.
21: By this time, I was married to her. But she fell in love with a man she met THREE fucking times.. So yea.. She just HAD to be with him. So this christmas, I was married, But seperated. Basically: Single.
22: Still married, Still fucking seperated. The bitch won't let me get a dissillusion. So I'll have to spend big sacks of cash to pay for a divorce.. Yaaay. Oh, Ended up dating a sweet girl from Seattle for part of this year. But her and I just.. Didn't click right. Were best as friends I guess. So she moved home. (On a positive note, She's the first I've broken up with that I haven't hated. Hurrah. :P) So yea, Single this christmas too! Whee. :D
23: Will I be single next year? 10 to one my guess would be, "YES!"

You all suck. I hate you all. Have a merry fucking christmas.

I hate people.

2003-11-24T23:30:03Z

Without going into much detail: To respect privacy and so we don't have to start a debate on my beliefs...

Suicide does not solve your fucking problems. You fucking moron.

Have a nice day. I hate you all. Well, Not you, and her and that guy. Oh, And you are pretty cool. You know who you are.

Damn the luck

2003-11-23T08:22:08Z

A magic 8 ball told me I'm gay.

20 years.

2003-11-17T22:53:36Z

I wonder where I'll be 20 years from now.

So far life has taught me that you go get a job, Make money, Pay bills. Thats about it. Also humanity has taught me that I'm supposed to find a mate, Have children and grow them to be respectable members of society.
However, I have found that humanity as a whole is stupid, Worthless. As Agent Smith so accurately states: "You move to an area, and you multiply, and multiply, until every natural resource is consumed. The only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. A virus."
Also I have observed that the majority of people like to see others suffer. Some even go out of their way to make people suffer.

Where am I going with this? I have no idea. I am simply typing out thoughts.
Anyway, It seems a sin to me, The idea of bringing children into the world as it is today. Why torture an innocent child. Or, Even, If you are religious: Why bring something innocent into sin? You are practically damning a child to hell by conceiving it. (Now, I am not religious. Perhaps I'll discuss that in a later rant.)
I used to not believe this way. I actually looked forward to being a father. As the primal instinct and emotionally. I wanted a child. I used to dream of the day I'd have a part of me to take care of. To love.
But those dreams died a while ago. I'm not going to say it is permanent, As you never know what can happen in the future. But I realized just how cold and heartless people can be. I decided "Fuck it.. I can't trust anyone to bear my child." And that was pretty much the end of that dream.

Since then, I have wondered what is the meaning of my existence. The age old question: Why are we here?
Why am I here? What purpose do I have besides paying taxes. Paying bills.
And what is happiness? All I do right now is work. Come home.. Write some code. Eat.. Sleep.
I have become accustomed to this pattern. I love to learn. Every day I write code to learn something new. It is about the only thing I have found in this world that I get excited about. That makes me happy. But even that is rather dull. I feel so empty. My life was not made for code. There is only so much I can learn.
Then theres the idea of "Sharing your life with someone."
I really don't know how to comment on that area. I've had my share of relationships. Good and bad. And every time I feel empty. Feel like somethings not right.
I am starting to wonder if a significant other can even make me happy?
Maybe I've not found the right one?
I don't know. These are the thoughts I try to store away. Maybe typing them will relax me? I don't know.
I'm starting to wonder now why I am even typing this?
I don't even remember why I wanted to write it in the first place.

Hmm... Rereading it.. It sounds rather stupid. Sounds more like me whining than a rant.
Anyway, I'm done typing.