The place where I bitch about life.

8:41pm: ( Survey... God I hate surveys! )

9:41pm: Happy, for once!
Looks like I have a new job starting.. now!
I get to be a cheerleader! :D

My poor kitty started classes recently, and I have to comfort her through all the "fun" times. ^.^ I remember those days.. And, like the lazy unresponsible student I was.. I ignored the stress and did next to nothing. How did I ever float my way through High School?

Anywho. I sit here awaiting her return, ready to cheer her on some more!
Ya know.. Life seems very.. meaningful when you put your own worries and annoyances aside and help someone else. ^.^ I could be sleeping right now, so I would wake up refreshed and energetic tomorrow. But whats the fun in that? Leave the one that needs me so I can get a good nights rest? Hah! I'd stay by my kittens side all night if she wanted me to. ^.^ You only live once.. And, some people never love at all. I have something good, something pure.. Fuck everything else. ^.^

So yea. Its amazing what all I type when I... sit here typing. Thoughts, ideas, frustrations all coming out of my fingers. You wouldn't know it, But, These posts tend to be much, much MUCH longer.. But I always go through and delete out all the boring crap I feel noone would care to see anyways. Then again, there is like.. 2? 3? people that actually read this thing.. So, Why delete at all? I wonder if this very line will even stay?! If it does, hah! My secrets out! I've been HIDING a bunch of CRAP from you all! Tee hee hee.
Maybe I won't delete it. It would be funny just leaving every random thought I jot down on this thing. Maybe it would even be interesting. Probably not. I don't really view myself as an interesting person, but, I also don't have a very high view of myself. So I could be interesting as hell and not even know it!

Today I installed my speakers in my car. Little Dual Audio 6.5" 2-Way speakers to replace the 20 year old ones in my '85 RX7. They sound good. Now I just need to build a box and get some subs. Have a little rumbly in my tumbly.

Woot. Putting speakers in my car was the highlight of my day. I am so boring.

My mind suddenly draws a blank, so I close this now without deleting a single line!
I should warn you in advance, but that involves scrolling up! >.<

Good night!

5:10pm: I am fucking old.
Everyone in their lifetime comes to the realization eventually that they are growing old.
Its when your body slows down, you gain weight easier, everything changes.
You realize you are not going to be young forever.

I have made it to this point.

For the first time in my life, I have had to use Preparation H.

Its the end of the world as I know it.

Its all downhill from here. :P

Now it is a constant battle with death!

Come on, Death, I can take you! I'll squeeze a few more years out of you. Buahaha.

9:48pm: Bad day... I think? O.o
For the past two fridays, I've seen two wrecks.

First Friday: Crossing a highway, I have the green. I go, Across 2 lanes, median, getting thru the next lane, and notice a dumptruck, not stopping, running the red light. I slam my brakes, missing it by mere feet, while it plows into a box truck. Driver said brakes went out. Fun stuff >.<
So there went a good 45 minutes of my day waiting to make a statement to the cops. (Never leave the scene of an accident.)

Second Friday: Almost the exact same time as last Friday. Driving down a road. Hear squealing tires, see smoke, hear a bang, see a TIRE flying at my car. I dodge it, Pull over into a body shop. (Heh heh, Wreck in front of a body shop. Ironic?) One truck rear ended another truck. The driver not paying attention. I wait a good half hour for the cop to say I can go, not needing to write a statement.

Now, On to today. All the events today were interesting. And funny. And creepy!
Wake up.
I have 2 things to do, E-Check my RX7, and pick up money at Wal Mart.
My buddy has to goto AutoZone and get some parts.
So he comes over, We head out in the RX7.
At Echeck, RX7 sputters and dies. Fuck.
Glancing over it, looks like its out of gas... After 20 miles of driving. I hope its not a gas leak THAT bad.
We replace fuel filter (We have extras. Fuel problems before)
Not a drop comes out of the feed line. Fuck.
It must be empty, right?
There must be a leak.
We walk about a mile to the gas station, in the sun.
I hate sun.
A guy picks us up there and I buy shakes for all.
The peasants rejoyce!

We put a gallon of gas in RX7.
Still not a drop of fuel.
Fuck.
No leak, Pickup tube must be blocked.
Get ride home.
Decide to blow out fuel lines with air compressor.
Dads not home yet with truck.

Take Buddys Eclipse to Wal Mart and AutoZone.
Come home.
Dad gets home, sick as a dog.

I load up probe with compressor instead.
Goto E-check station where RX7 is.
Coming up is the funny part, so pay attention:
Blowing out the fuel lines with ~100psi sends gas out the fill tube, that I am under, soaking my fucking shirt and pants with gas.
Gas burns when touching skin. It sucks.
I take my shirt off, showing off my sexy fatass body.
We give up on RX7 for now.

In the Probe, Pants are burning my skin. (Just the upper part is wet with gas.)
So, I loosen my belt, unbutton and zip down my pants, and take a towel in the back of my car, slipping it between my wet boxers and skin.
Less burnage, woot.

Driving home.
Whatta ya know. ANOTHER ACCIDENT.
In front of me, an Escort rear ends a SUV, and knock SUV into a truck.
Buddy said my exact expression was something like, "Sigh. Pull over."

Now. I call 911.
Talking to 911... Pants still unzipped and unbuttoned, while the girl who caused the accident is asking my buddy if he has a phone. My pants are FUCKING OPEN. The logical explanation for an onlooker. I must have been getting head. :P People must now think I'm gay. Haha.

Anywho. Thats the funny part.
I zip up and button up and get out, and wait a fucking hour for a state highway patrol guy to get his ass there, and I fill out a statement and go home.

Then I eat, and the peasants rejoyce.

The end.

8:40am: My heart is with you
Here I sit, After being stressed out for like 2 weeks, a bit scared. I have never been in surgery before. It is freaky. I don't know what to expect. I'm gonna be drugged up and in pain. All this running through my mind for weeks, and here it is today. Less than 3 hours from now. So nervous.

And, all I can think about is my love, alone amongst her family. Her Grandmother died and I can not be there with her to hold her for comfort. My heart is with her, but my body is not. I wish I could be her shoulder to cry on.

I thank her. Her loss has put aside my worry. I just want to get the surgery over with and be able to comfort her in what little ways I can. Fuck my worry. I am here for my love. :)

9:45pm: Die!
Man, I've been on such a short fuse lately.
I suppose I'm just sick of being the "nice guy" all the damn time.
What is the point of letting people walk all over you, just so you can have the image of the nice guy?
I've been in a real "Fuck You All" additude lately.. And frankly, I think I like it.
None of this holding back whats on my mind.
None of this keeping my views to my self.
Just.. "Fuck off and die."

But yea. I guess I should have seen it coming. I've been nice to everybody for my whole life. Hell, Even when my wife left me for another man, using everything her retarded mind could come up with as an excuse as to why I am shit and she is god, I still smiled and let her go without a fight. Why? Whats the point? I wanted it to be easier on her? Fuck her! I should have kicked her ass on the street, kept -my- car in -my- name.. Should have kicked her in the fucking face when she came crawling back. Fuck Mr. Nice guy. Mr. Nice gets walked all over.

I think from this point on, I'm gonna show myself. I'm not gonna hold back the.. "improper" thing to say. I'm just going to be myself. If people don't like it, does it matter? No. Nothing I do will matter years from now. Acting nice all the time will only end up in me more and more pissed off in the long run. And for what? So I can come home and take my frustrations out on those I love? Those I actually give a flying fuck about? Nope. No more of that shit.

Welcome to the new Dan. Now, Fuck off and die.

8:46pm: Update on a Car Wreck
Was kinda funny:

Me: "I'm really gonna miss this car."
Tow Truck Guy: "You think they're gonna total it?"
Me: "I dunno, Come look at this." <- He was looking at the bumper and messed up headlight.
Guy: Walks around to see the driver side.. "Woah... yea.. Okay. They might total that."

Tee hee.

Anywho, I got a kick out of that.

My Fiero.
Got it running.
It broke down test driving it.

Fucking -yay-.

Thank goodness for Ryan offering to buy me an engine on ebay for a hundred bucks tomorrow. I owe him many blowjobs. My mouth shall be sore. (Kidding :P )

Anywho. I'll keep you posted.
I'm sure the anger and frustration will be very present throughout the next few weeks.

Toodles.
~Crash/Dan

8:50pm: Car Wreck
I view myself as an awesome driver.

I live on a curvy ass road, and have(had) a Suzuki 2004 Forenza. Nice economy car, A little quick.
Now, Living on a curvy ass, dangerous road makes one a better driver.. in my opinion. In every car I've owned, I could drive my road easily. Where everyone goes 20mph around, I can easily drive the speed limit, 40. Or faster if I feel like having fun.
But anyways, curvy roads teach you a lot about handling a car. Where the weight goes, shifts, how it reacts to things.

Since I've owned this car, I've avoided countless accidents. Two of the most recent: A probe spinning out of control, into my lane, and me easily dodging him. And a van trying to take off, spinning their tires cause it was wet, and me easily slowing down just enough to miss them. Those are two example in which a wreck would not have been my fault. Not to mention countless Deer dodgings. Those are always creepy.

Its become a joke, "Damn it! If I would have hit them, My car would be paid off, And I'd have awesome credit!" It was all just a joke.. mostly. Not having to pay for a car when you're -broke- is always nice.

But... Whatta ya know. I -wreck- on my -own- road and it is -all- my fault.
And I wasn't even going fast.

I've run the fucking situation through my head a hundred times.
Here I am, driving rather slow, Cause I have a 16 year old buddy in the passenger seat. We're heading to get Mountian Dew. I go around a bit of a sharp turn... But not really all that sharp. Somehow, the rear wheels loose grip, And I end up sliding sideways into a guard rail. Destroying my driver side.. Another car bumping my front bumper (No damage but a scratch to her bumper)

Okay, Anyone would say, "Driving too fast and slid off the road."
That would be fine and dandy. But in my mind, I wonder what the FUCK happened that was any different than driving that SAME fucking road EVERY day of my life.

I could have been going fast.. Maybe 50? But I've taken that curve 60 before and just barely slid left of center. Thats control, baby. But I had a fucking passenger, I was driving SLOW. I KNOW I wasn't speeding.. If I were, I'd be in a LOT more pain than a stiff neck. It only takes roughly 35mpg to snap your neck. (Interesting statistic)

So speeds not an issue.

Next idea, Brakes?
I'm not a moron here.. I know if you slam your breaks, you're sliding.. And I rarely EVER use breaks anyway on my road. I downshift to slow down. But there, I didn't switch gears, didn't hit breaks.. Just took it like normal.. Turn a little hard, hit the gas after the turn and all is good.

Next option: Wet?
This is exacty what it felt like. Like the road was wet and I slid. But, It was dry?
Maybe I had mud on my tires or something.. Its hard to tell when I ran through mud to get to the guard rail... heh heh.

But, Thinking of it... When I pulled out of my drive way.. Maybe I got water, or mud on the wheels and the car just decided to start to slide, I got scared, tried to pull out of it, and ended up kissing a guard rail. Likely.

Final option: Mechanical Failure
This one, I'm not sure of, and is difficult to prove. After much debate with friends, It is very likely my ABS locked the back wheels and sent me into a slide. Who knows?


All in all, I fucked up. I try to tell myself that I was driving normally, nothing bad should have happened. But it -did-. Makes me feel like a fucking moron.. I never EVER wrecked on my own road before. It was doomed to happen I suppose. Great feeling inside.. wondering how the hell it really happened.. And feeling like a jackass.. And no longer having a nice brand new car.


I'll never drink Mountian Dew again.

1:30am: Indifferent
I haven't written in this for a while..

For all you who actually still read this, I am finally getting my divorce taken care of. Woot. Thousand dollars that I could have used in other places if my wife weren't a retarted bitch. How hard is it to contact someone and sign some papers? Sheesh. I hope the slut dies a slow, painful death and burns in hell. In fact, I should open a life insurance policy on her, Just in case she does die before the divorce is over. That'd be sweet. Hundred grand in my pocket, cause she's my wife. :) Maybe that would make the pain she caused me worth it. But, On second thought, No ammount of material goods could make up for the emotional damage the succubus left behind. She will always be that thorn in my side that leads to distrust... no matter how hard I wish I could get over it. I'm just glad, now, I have someone with a pure heart to show me how love is supposed to be. Thank you for helping to heal me.

Believe it or not, I didn't mean to type all that. I just wanted to type something to let people I never see know that I am still alive. Then my fingers let the emotion out. This is a nice place to share thoughts.

But anyways. I think I'll sleep. I'm fucking wide awake, But don't feel like doing anything. Stuff on my mind. Always on my mind. I wish I could fucking sleep during the week. Maybe one day, I'll feel like I did years and years ago. Carefree.. Happy.. None of this stress weighing on my mind, and heart. I really do wonder where I'd be right now if I didn't have hope to go on. If I didn't have a reason to wake up every day. I wish life had a reference manual. A guide. "Do this, this and this, and you will succeed. You will find happiness." Maybe then, I would have made better choices, and not learned the hard way what is right and wrong. But hey, I guess that makes me wise. Maybe I should share my knowledge with people. But then again, I am still so young. The knowledge I have now could be worthless 10.. 20 years from now. Who knows. Everyone is growing. Life is what you make it.

By the way, If none of this makes sense, Ignore it. This is just my fingers talking.

I'm going to sleep now before all I have left is random words coming from my fingers.
I'll leave the thoughts inside to keep me up at night.

Good night, Painful, beautiful world.
~Dan/Crash

7:17pm: Update on a turd
Yea. So, I won't go into details. But lets just say the plumbings all cleared out now.

God, My ass fucking hurts. -.-

Back to a normal "schedule".. Woot!

7:03pm: Heh..
Me: Dude. I'm so glad no one else was in the bathroom. Cause I was grunting, face all red, sweating. Making noise, rocking back and fourth.

Ryan: Wow, there's an image..

Me: Sitting in your stall trying to do your business while the Poltergeist is happening in the next stall over?

10:52pm: Weird.
For such a long time, I've had such terrible views of women. Evil cheating hoes. Moneyhungry bitches. You know, The typical angsty attitude of a man with a broken heart.

But god damn. How is it you can have a horrible day. One of those days where you just don't want to wake up ever again. And they can make you forget all that in an instant. With a few words. With a look. With a smile.

Why must woman-kind be such a freaky mix of good and evil. I swear its like Star Wars or something.

Anywho. This is just whats running through my mind as I crave the sweet, sweet taste of a yummy cigar. I haven't been counting, But I think its been somewhere around 10 months since I've smoked. Hurrah me.



As a side note. This journal thing rocks.
Any frustration, anger, angst, annoyance I seem to have seems lifted once I type it out for the world to see. Freaky if you ask me. Is this how it works for others? I never read them. I'm afraid I'll turn into one of those addicted journal freaks (No offense)

But anyway. Thank you, Journal, for giving me someplace to type out those thoughts I don't want to bother people with.
And thank you, Pearl, for giving me the comfort and care I need every moment of every day.
And thank you, George Bush, For sending people overseas to die. Wait. Nevermind.

G'night. I'mma go cuddle my stuffed kitty. (Its names "Purrecious")

1:08am: Bleh
Wow. Almost 4 months without a post.

In internet time, That is legally dead?
...or means someone simply changed ID's.

Funny thing, this internet is.

Anywho.
I'm alive, I s'pose.

Does anyone even read this anymore?
I'll have to make a cgi to see.

Yea. Anywho. Time to try to get some fucking sleep.

10:15pm: Finally
Ahhh. Finally in the right mood to write in this damn thing.
As you know, This is the place where I bitch. Where I release.
And due to a special someone, I've not felt negative for a very long time. I've actually been happy. Its a feeling I haven't had in a long long time.

But today.. God today was a stab in the back. See, I've been without a car for a month now. I should have had one 3 weeks ago, But the fucking rebuilt engine I got for it was damaged.. And they're taking their sweet fucking time getting it to me.
So yea, Thats been pissing me off. I have to get a ride every day from an unreliable lazy fuck. I've had like 3 tardys this month? This from me, Who is always 15 minutes early to work every day at -least-. So yea. I'm pissed.
So I decide to buy a car. That way I'll have two! If one breaks, I'll use the other one. Whee..
The FUCKING car broke on my way HOME from PICKING IT THE FUCK UP.
Its sitting at a fucking gas station right now. For some reason, I shift it into gear and it dies. Its like it wants to be a manual all of a sudden or something. So yay. I STILL don't have a fucking car.

So yea. Right now I'm pissed.

But, Overall: It doesn't bother me too much. I'm used to life shitting on me. But this time its different. I feel so fucking pissed, hurt, annoyed and... Who knows what else. But for the first time in my life, There is hope. I am actually hopeful and looking forward to tomorrow. The next day. These little things in life don't really matter. They may annoy you at the time, but in the long run.. Hey.. I have my life right? I have hope.

So I don't want to end this post on a negative note. I simply want to say, "Thank you, Pearl. I love you."

9:14pm: Blow up sheep
Yea.. Talking about blow up sheep today at work. Part of an.... interesting.. conversation. I feel BaaaAAaaAaaa...d. Yea.

7:45pm: Life insurance
If I work until I am 120, I can cash in my life insurance for 17 million dollars.

12:58am: Wow..
Just calculated approx 10,000 working days until retirement.

Thats IF, of course, I don't die of a heart attack or something at 30.

Rock on life! :D

10:28pm: Wow
I think I've finally found what I've been looking for.

Its like my character has changed completly in just a few short months.

The only fear I have is that I can show my emotions well enough. Show how I feel.

I really don't want to lose this one.

For the first time in my life.. I feel right.

7:20pm: Yargh.

I remember what passion is.
I forget how it feels.

2:29am: Mrowl
Things have been very.. weird lately.

Thats about all the information I am willing to type out. Woot.

And as I mainly use this to bitch about stuff.. I guess the lack of posts has meant the lack of things to bitch about. I guess I could bitch about my car? Damn thing finally gave out.. Woo.. There goes my tax return. Yay.

Yea. I'm done typing.
Ciao!
- Crash

8:12pm: Mmm. Pizza
Pizza tastes a whole hell of a lot better when its free.

3:19am: I love my father
I'm crying today, For the first time in.. over a year. For the first time since my wife told me she loved someone else.
Talking to Jase about my father... Just got to me..
My father is the most amazing man in my eyes. He has been there for the family through everything.. Every day he gets up and goes to work.. He so very rarely misses unless he is too sick to get up.. He is the father that every family should have.. I love him and respect him with everything I can..

Me.. My life hasn't been the greatest since I've been an adult.. I dropped out of college.. Got mixed up in women.. Got myself in debt... And for years I've felt like a failure.. Next to him I felt tiny.. Insignifigant.. I've been trying now.. Really tying for about two years to get my shit straight.. I'm almost debt free now.. I'm single.. Working on the divorce.. Trying to take control of my life.. Trying to "grow up".. and still it is hard to face him...
I finally feel worthy to tell him I love him, At least... As hard as it is.. Every time I visit.. I give him at least one hug and tell him I love him.. You never know when your parents will be gone.. So I try to do this as often as possible..
God.. I just want to be the best man I can be.. I want my father to be proud.. I want him to look at a picture of me, And proudly say, "Thats my boy".. I don't want to feel like some deadbeat son that fucked up his life..

I know he will never read this.. But this is for him.

I love you dad.. I am going to be a great man. I will make you proud. I promice.

4:29pm: Update on life
Still alive.
Still surviving.
Still pointlessly paying the bills. Paying my living fees, aka Tax.
Still wondering why the hell I'm here.


Oh! Yea! I figured out something.. "Funny" the other day! Haha.. Every year I've been single on Christmas! Haha..
Ages:

---

18: Was single till like right after Xmas.
19: Had broken up with the evil, evil bitch.. And kinda dating the woman who is my wife now, Buuut.. She was all gone and probably fucking other guys.
20: Was still kinda with the woman who is now my wife. But we were seperated again. I think this was about the time that she made excuses about her grandfather dieing and stuff years before, And thats why she was always distant and ended up breaking up with me around christmas.
21: By this time, I was married to her. But she fell in love with a man she met THREE fucking times.. So yea.. She just HAD to be with him. So this christmas, I was married, But seperated. Basically: Single.
22: Still married, Still fucking seperated. The bitch won't let me get a dissillusion. So I'll have to spend big sacks of cash to pay for a divorce.. Yaaay. Oh, Ended up dating a sweet girl from Seattle for part of this year. But her and I just.. Didn't click right. Were best as friends I guess. So she moved home. (On a positive note, She's the first I've broken up with that I haven't hated. Hurrah. :P) So yea, Single this christmas too! Whee. :D
23: Will I be single next year? 10 to one my guess would be, "YES!"


You all suck. I hate you all. Have a merry fucking christmas.

6:26pm: I hate people.
Without going into much detail: To respect privacy and so we don't have to start a debate on my beliefs...

Suicide does not solve your fucking problems. You fucking moron.

Have a nice day. I hate you all. Well, Not you, and her and that guy. Oh, And you are pretty cool. You know who you are.

3:20am: Damn the luck
A magic 8 ball told me I'm gay.